Shades of Grey
by mwendyr
Summary: Post Ep to Siren Call. Alex pushes herself back into work. Sequel to Shadow. Chapter 2 is posted!
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Siren Call Post-Ep. Alex pushes herself back into work.

Pairing: Mike/Alex

Series: M/A series, sequel to Shadow (You only need to read the previous one to get this and then it's not completely necessary)

Spoilers: Siren Call & Blind Spot

Reviews: Yes, please. I need them to know what's good and what's bad.

Disclaimer: I don't own it, I just use it but I always put it back.

**Shades of Gray**

A giant ray of colours and a multitude of shades all in between. If life was shaped and looked like a light spectrum than she could be pretty sure that hers just had lots of different shades, all kind of meshing together and molding into the old black and white movies before technicolour was even invented. Well, that's obviously her view being tainted by recent events but she couldn't remember what she thought about before.

Despite all the gray, she always felt there had been colour around her. Whether it had been projected on to her by her persistent father throughout a troublesome youth or by colleagues when she worked hard shifts at vice, or by her family when she was struggling with the grief that came with losing a husband. She'd never would've thought of herself as completely religious but the gift that had been given to her by Mike a few months ago sat on her dresser and stuck out to her like a sore thumb.

Just generally asking to be worn.

She'd been surprised he'd bought it for her because of the thoughtfulness that it showed on his part but it was a beautiful small silver cross on a light chain that meant a lot to her now more than before. That gift had, of course, led to a whole night of passion, exploration and more than just simple physical love that she'd never forgotton; their first. She smiled at the memory and almost blushed at it as well.

Trying to shake the images out of her mind before it was too late to turn back she reached into the jewellery box and pulled the small, delicate chain out and carefully placed it around her neck. After looking it at in the mirror for a few moments, inspecting how it looked with her clothes and then mentally shaking herself for being so girlish, she walked out of her bedroom and went straight for the living room where she remembered leaving him; Bobby Goren.

"You ready?" Bobby asked, spotting her. Dressed for work yet that wasn't where he was going.

Alex nodded, "You sure you want to take me to see Liz?" Alex had been seeing Dr Elizabeth Olivet since her kidnapping ordeal and because her car was still being held, cleaned and repaired she had no way of taking herself anywhere unless she used public transport, which no one wanted her to do. But because of the nature of their jobs it meant that everytime she had an appointment someone different was taking her there, she never really knew who was free to drive her there until it was almost time to be there.

"I don't mind." He replied, honestly. Holding out his arm to indicate that they should get going, she nodded and followed him out the door.

Lately she's had mixed feelings about everything, conflicted inside her own mind about what she wants to and how she feels about what happened but she does know that everytime she sees Olivet she's able to put things into perspective for a few hours before it all mixes up again.

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"You'd rather go back to work?" Olivet looked at her, understanding but puzzled at the same time. Alex could never understand who physcologists could do that. The room that Alex had been forced to sit every week was starting to make her feel better just because she didn't want to go there anymore.

Alex nodded, "Well, yeah. I'd be better off if I did."

Olivet looked at her and smiled, "Why is that?"

"Because if I'm not working I'm home alone, thinking."

"You're still avoiding." Olivet commented, annoying Alex, causing her to shuffle a little in her seat.

Alex shook her head, "No, there is nothing to avoid. I've never liked sitting at home on my own."

"What about Mike?"

Smiling a little, "He works too."

"Alright." Olivet said, "But if you go back and you find that you struggle because you weren't ready, what do you think will happen?"

Alex shrugged, "It won't happen."

"But if it does, you'll end up back on leave and it'll be worse." Olivet sighed and looked at Alex with a soft smile, "Don't rush yourself. When you're ready to go back you'll know."

"How will I know?"

"Something will make you go back." Olivet replied, "Something will happen or something will be said and you'll know, but don't rush." She paused slightly, "Don't make rash decisions based on frustration." Alex nodded but she didn't say anything, she was worried she'd say something wrong or show some kind of weakness that she didn't feel like showing today. It's not easy being weak every day when you're used to being strong and independent. "It'd be a shame if you did." Alex frowned, unsure of Olivet's meaning, "You're really close, I predict this'll only be a few more sessions. You've done really well and you should be proud. Don't thow it away."

"How many?"

Olivet couldn't help but detect some kind of excitement in Alex's voice, "You want a number?" Alex nodded, "How about 3?"

Her words were once again ringing in her mind as she left the office and headed for the front door. Why did she have to be so damned good at her job? As she opened the door to the outside world she saw her partner leaning on the front of the car, looking a little relaxed but also tense at the same time. But then he had been waiting for more than an hour so it came as no surprise to her. He saw her and only waited for her to at least start walking down the steps before he spoke, fiddling the car keys in his hands as if he had somewhere he needed to be, "How'd it go?" He asked, walking over to her after she smiled weakly in greeting.

"Just three more sessions."

"Yeah?" Bobby asked, this had to a sign of progress. Alex nodded, but he did have somewhere he needed to be, "Well, I can drop you off, a call came in... I gotta go..."

Alex, first annoyed that he was going to just drop her off and then saw this as her opening, her chance to go back despite the words that Olivet had spoken to her, "Well then let's go." Bobby, however, was not convinvced, he stood still and looked at her, intensely, trying to see if there was the slightest hint that she wasn't being serious and showing her that he was. Alex felt a strong need to go, "I told her I wasn't getting any better by myself." She held out her hand for him to give the keys but it took Bobby a few seconds to actually give them to her. He wasn't sure she was ready to do this, she'd been through so much and he felt she was still struggling with the trauma.

However, he conceeded defeat and passed her the keys. Both of them quickly heading towards the car, Bobby held up his hands to show his defeat but he refused to say anything about it. Then so did she, getting straight into the car and putting the car into motion before he could continue his argument or she could start one with herself, which ever one came first.

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To say Mike had been surprised to see her had been an understatement. There he had been doubled over his desk, trying to find the missing papers on the case he and Wheeler had been working when he'd seen her stroll through the office with Bobby. The shock had sent him into silence but it hadn't lasted long.

He'd waited until Ross had finished speaking to her, which wasn't long because she hadn't given the man chance to speak, fighting off his opening argument with her tightly delivered finishing statement. _"I appreciate your concern Captain but I'm fine." _That was one of the things about her that Mike loved, her ability to shoot people down with words, never giving them a chance to respond. The door had been closed on Ross before he could utter another word.

Mike refused to follow Ross' tactic. Catching up with her as she tried to catch up with Bobby, Mike gently pulled her to the side and leaned into her, not missing the silver cross around her neck and the very determined look on her face. "Alex?" The determined look gave way to a softer look as she tried to smile reassuringly. "What are you doing?"

"Working." She replied, simply, her tone of voice daring him to argue with her over it.

Mike looked down and sighed, "I'm going to ask you this once and then I promise I won't ask again, are you sure you're ready?" He spoke in hushed tones because he didn't want others in the office to walk passed them and hear their conversation although out of the corner of his eye he could see people looking, probably as surprised as he that she'd turned up.

She looked down a little as she considered it but she didn't think about it for long, "I know that I'm better off working." Mike put his hands on his hips and looked at her, studying her face and seeing that she was, as far as he could tell, being sincere with her answer.

"Alright, fine." He nodded, "Okay, I won't drag you home." Alex copied his nod and smiled a little, once again going for reassurance but was unsure if he was getting the message. He smiled at her, "But take it easy." Mike didn't want her to go back into that state of depression she'd been in after she'd been kidnapped, he didn't want to go through that again, he didn't want her to go through that again.

She nodded and he gave her a bigger smile.

"Eames? Are you coming?" Bobby's voice caught in their ears and Alex peered round Mike's body to see Bobby standing at the end of the coridor looking anxious to get on with his work.

Alex looked back at Mike and smiled, "I'll call you." He nodded, trying very hard to resist giving her a kiss. She smiled and took off before he failed in his resistance.

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Mike stayed at the office until Alex came back, for two reasons. One, being that she didn't have a car yet and she'd need a ride home. Two, he was concerned about how well she could really handle this. He knew she was strong and he knew she was probably more capable than most kidnap victims but that didn't change the way his stomach was tying up in knots over the thought. He'd come so close to losing her and didn't want to go through that again.

When he saw her and Bobby finally come back to the office he was relieved, the first thing he saw was that she was tired but then she'd had to drive all the way from Waterhaven so she would be, it was alot for someone who'd been sleeping for most of the day recently. He walked over towards her and she smiled when she saw him coming and he smiled back. "How you doing?" He asked, hoping he sounded casual.

"I'm good." She nodded, matching the casual attitude.

Mike looked at Bobby, who suddenly felt like he should be somewhere else. Bobby quickly gathered his stuff and bid farewell to them. Mike smiled at Alex and she looked down for a moment, "Really?"

She nodded again but there was something in her eyes that said otherwise. "Yeah."

Mike chose to let it drop because of where they were, "Let's go home." They walked out, his hand on the small of her back as if he was leading her out of the building. She hoped he wasn't about to try to convince her that she couldn't carry on but that would mean getting into an argument because she knew she didn't intend to back down.

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Reaching home after a long day, a day that felt extra long to her because it had been unplanned and she was used to not doing anything. Walking into the house Alex mentally braced herself for the words Mike was about to say. She expected words of annoyance and something a long the lines of 'don't you think this'll make it worse?', 'can't you see you're not ready?' or 'i don't want you to go back yet' but they never came.

All Mike said was, "Are you hungry?" Alex looked at him and nodded, unsure of how to take that. Having this strange feeling that those words were worse than the ones he'd said before, was he giving her the cold shoulder? Alex stayed by the door as Mike wandered off to break into the food he'd picked up from the store.

He was gone five minutes, and in those minutes Alex had remained still, she was confused by the way he'd dropped the subject and it bothered her that he didn't want to discuss it. When Mike came back he frowned, a puzzled expression on his face as he looked at the way she stood at the door, her coat still on and a worried look on her face. "You coming in or are you staying there?" When she didn't answer he walked over to her and placed a hand on her arm, "What's the matter?"

"I thought-" She stopped and looked at him, "I-"

Mike's frown grew on his face, along with an expression of concern, "What?"

"Nothing." She changed her mind from speaking and she unzipped her coat. Mike pulled another puzzled expression and looked at her, "I'm sorry, I guess I'm tired."

"Alright." He nodded and turned around but very quickly turned back, "You know, actually, I do have a question."

Alex felt herself mentally freeze, bracing herself again, "What?" She asked, almost afraid to know.

"What made you go back today?"

She shrugged, "I don't know. I just... did." She finally took her coat off and flung it on the chair, walking into the living room and sitting down on the sofa, Mike followed her. "I guess I went because Bobby said he got a call and I saw it as a good excuse to go back." She looked at him and frowned, "You're not upset? Or angry? Or annoyed?"

Mike shook his head, "I'd do the same if it were me." Alex seemed to visibly relax. "But I am worried."

"Why?" She asked, although she felt she probably already knew the answer.

He sighed, sitting next to her and looking directly at her, "Because I've got a knot in my stomach telling me you're not ready but ..." He held out his hand to show that he was helpless in stopping her. "I won't stop you."

"Why not?" She had to ask, why wouldn't he try to stop her? If he really was worried then he should try to stop her.

Mike grinned, "Because I don't want to meet your right hook." Alex, showing her teeth, smiled at him, a little laugh escaping her throat. He shrugged, "We'll see."

"So, food?" She asked after they were silent for a moment, looking at each other. Alex had felt her stomach remind her of it's presence by crumbling at her.

He nodded, "Yeah." He held out his hand and pulled her up with him. "Food." He smiled into her lips that were soon connected but quickly parted to hold each other close, pressing their cheeks together instead. She felt heavy and he knew she was tired so he slowly pulled slightly away from her and led her to her kitchen so they could quickly grab a bite and go to bed.

Part of his mind hoping he could wake her up somewhat before she went to sleep but it was a part of him that was going to have to be ignored until tomorrow.

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"Why didn't you tell me about your mother?"

She had to ask, it had been eating at her the whole time they'd been walking back to the car after meeting with Ashley's step-father, Ray. Bobby had told him that his mother had cancer and that there had been a number placed on her life; a small time left in the world.

Alex sat in the drivers seat and refused to start the SUV, looking directly at her partner who didn't look at her. He absent mindedly looked out the window, or at least that's what he wanted her to think he was doing. But Alex could see the worry on his face, Bobby's emotions were always on display to the point where she could see them even when he didn't want her to.

"You- you were dealing with s-something traumatic... and I didn't... Truthfully-" He finally looked at her after spending a moment stuttering out words and trying to come up with a response at the same time. "-I didn't want you to know." She couldn't really hide the hurt from that. "Yet."

She sighed, "Bobby, I'm sorry."

He nodded, "I know, I know."

Alex sat quietly looking at the steering wheel and suddenly becoming immersed in thoughts and worries for her partner. She always worried about him when he came to his mother, he had such a vested interest in her and her well-being that it meant that he hurt more over it when something went wrong. She'd been so concerned with herself, so wrapped up in her own trauma that she'd not seen his hurt. Since when did she not pay attention to her best friend?

"Eames?" Bobby's voice cut through her mind and she slowly turned her eyes away from the steering wheel. "I was- was going to tell you as s-soon as you came back." She frowned, "You came back earlier than I thought you would."

Those words squashed her concern for him and sparked a fire within her, "So everyone keeps saying." She couldn't mask the annoyance from her tone of voice and it was obvious she hated the way everyone was concerned for her; or rather that they were voicing that concern for her. She turned to him completely, twisting in her seat, she shot him a pointed look, "I'm quite capable."

Bobby nodded, "I know." His hands were already heading towards that movement of defeat. "Don't you think you're pushing yourself?"

"It's not like this is the first terrible thing that's ever happened to me." She was almost daring him into having a staring contest with her, opting not to answering his question. "I need you to trust me."

"Eames." Bobby started, "I do trust you, otherwise I wouldn't have let you come back-"

"-Let me come back?" Alex interrupted, offended by his choice of words. "Like you had a choice?"

Bobby blinked, unsure as to how the conversation had dramatically altered, shifting into a gear that could only cause trouble, "Eames, that's not what I meant and you know it!"

"No, I don't know it." Her voice rising and he was thankful they were inside the car, "You keep treating me like a piece of glass!"

"I'm not-"

"-And I've had enough already. It's not like I wasn't ready to come back!"

Bobby sighed, "Eames, I don't doubt that you believe that you're ready to come back." Bobby hoped that he'd really got that whole sentence out before she interrupted him again, "I just think you're pushing yourself too hard."

"_I'm _pushing myself too hard?" She asked, incredulously, pointing to herself with one hand whilst waving the other towards him, "What about you?" Bobby's turn to frown, "Your mother-"

Bobby held up his hands, "Let's leave her out of this." Alex stopped and realised that she was starting to go off at him for the wrong reasons. Something in the way he spoke that last sentence forced her to see what she was doing. This was his mother and she felt like she was about to step over that invisible line that existed where Frances Goren was concerned.

She nodded, "I'm sorry." She quickly turned back towards the front and put the key in the ignition but she didn't turn the engine on, she just sat there holding the key in place and watching; nothing was outside but she was watching it anyway.

So was he.

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Thunder raged inside her mind. Her inner voice shouting at her, chastising herself with words at her own anger. Funny how that was making it worse. For all her chanting inside her mind she was just fueling the fire that burned within her. Pacing her living room and feeling confined within herself she felt like a trapped animal.

Like PJ, the young lovebird sat chirping in it's cage; alone.

Her heart pounding and a headache forming. Why did this have to be so hard? She heard the door open and she quickly turned on her heel to see who it was. It was Mike.

He seemed ready. Like he was expecting her anger and that frustrated her even more. "You wanna tell me what happened between you and Goren?"

Alex raised an eyebrow at him and replied bitterly, "What makes you think something happened?"

"Oh, I don't know, just the way he kind of stormed into the squadroom, threw himself down at his desk and kinda glared at yours." Mike replied with a hint of attitude that masked his concern, which he knew was a mistake.

She sighed, "We just had an argument." She tried to make it sound like it was nothing, she even shrugged to make it seem more real but Mike looked at her, looked right through her answer and she knew he didn't believe her. "I'm tired of people acting like I can't do my job!"

"Who said that you-"

"No one!" Alex interrupted, her voice rising again, "They don't have to say it! I can see it in the way they look at me!"

"Since when do you care about that?" Mike asked, becoming frustrated with her anger and really not feeling like having an argument with her but it seemed to be where it was headed.

"Since-" She tried but she paused, "Since..." Mike finally crossed the space between them and walked over to her, not physically touching her but inhabitating some of her personal space that was somehow causing her to settle a little. "I don't care."

"Look, Goren and I don't see eye-to-eye but ..." Mike looked at her and she sighed, he was right. Firstly, Mike was impressed that he'd somehow managed to stop a full blown argument with her and secondly, he briefly wondered how he'd done that. He looked at her and realised that if he was careful he could prevent himself from flaring her anger any further, not that he knew quite how to be careful. He offered her a smile and hoped that that was a good move on his part, she partly smiled back, lowering her head in shame at herself. "Nobody, nobody thinks that you can't do your job." Mike gave her a direct look, one that told her she was being stupid, or at least that was her interpretation, "The only person saying it is you."

She leaned her head back far, looking up at the ceiling before closing her eyes. "I feel-" She lowered her head back to it's normal tilt and looked at him, "I feel _angry_!" She almost spat the last word out of her mouth.

Mike nodded, "You know what you need?" She gave him a quizzical look, "A punching bag."

Alex frowned, she wasn't so sure about that, mostly because she lacked the punching bag to actually use but also because it seemed so ridiculous when she thought about.

"No, seriously, come on!" Mike took her hand and led her towards the door, "I know just the one you can use."

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"You have a punching bag?" Alex bent down beside him as they peered into a dusty box, her question was asked incredulously and her face showed just how much she couldn't believe what she was seeing, although somehow it should have made sense.

They were at his apartment and he pulled this long rectangular box out of his cupboard, it looked like it hadn't been opened in years. "Yeah."

"What for?" She asked, and he looked at her as if to say 'that's obvious', "It doesn't look like you use it."

Mike laughed stiffly, "No, that's what my gym membership is for." Alex knew that he had a membership with a gym but she'd never seen him actually visit it.

"You actually go?" She asked, once again, incredulously.

He nodded, "Yeah, sure." Looking at her he added, "When I'm pissed." Alex mouthed 'oh' and nodded slightly, that made sense. Pulling the red punching bag out of it's box, Mike wiped some of the dust off it and Alex sneezed. He looked at her, "Hey, this was a good bag when I first bought it."

"That doesn't mean I'm gonna use it."

"Why not?" Mike asked, standing up, pulling the bag with him and shooting her a look as she stood up as well.

She sighed, "I just don't see what good beating the crap out of a bag is gonna do."

"Well, it saves you beating the crap out of your partner." Mike countered, looking at her directly and continuing when it seemed she refused to answer. "Trust me, partners tend to get a little edgy when you start taking stuff out on 'em." Alex looked at the bag and was momentarily mesmerised by it's colour. Even through the dust she could see how red this bag was; angry. She looked at it and she considered what he was saying, maybe beating up an inanimate object would make her feel better.

Mike smirked, "Would you like me to leave you two alone?"

She looked up at him, first annoyed at his sarcastic comment and then ... something else. She saw his smile and her attitude changed. Like the sunlight was creeping through the gray shades as if there were cracks. "No, thank you." His grin grew at the way she seemed 'genuinely' grateful he'd offered her and the bag some free time.

"So?" He asked, holding the bag out towards her, "Shall I set it up?"

She looked at him and then at the bag, then back at him. Finally, after a whole minute of consideration, she nodded to say she would use and he was to go ahead and set it up for her. She had to laugh a little at the idea of beating up a swinging bag to make herself feel better, and it was a very manly thing to do.

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TBC

A/N For those of you have read the whole series. There are a few that I know of. You might notice that I made references to previous ones, you might not. Was it too subtle?

Also, you'll notice in Siren Call and other Season 6 episodes Alex is wearing a small silver cross around her neck.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N The first part of this chapter contains scenes from the episode Siren Call.

**Shades of Gray**

She actually hadn't used the punching bag, now as she stood with a gun aimed towards her partner she was kind of wishing she had. She felt herself tremble inside and she really hoped it wasn't showing, worried that that would be enough cause for him to shoot Bobby or herself. Ray, a step father who was supposedly overcome with grief, had originally aimed his weapon at his own throat but now his small revolver at Bobby.

She was having that thought ring through her mind that she didn't want to die; she let Bobby talk. "Okay, it was on me, it wasn't on her. You need to let my partner go."

"Don't move." Although Alex knew that she shouldn't really allow Bobby to try to reason with Ray for her own life she just couldn't bring herself to stop him, for the first time she felt the need to be out of that room for her own sake.

Bobby continued on, without moving as Ray instructed, "You can see me right? I'm right here. No one's gonna grab your gun this time." Ray didn't say anything, as if some of his words had an effect on him, "And I know it wasn't your fault because I read the report, you were pulling-" he paused, trying to swallow any of his own fear and move forward, "-a double shift. You had a new baby, you spent alot of nights without sleep and this guys jumps off the bench, it happened in one, maybe two seconds."

"I couldn't stop him." Ray reasoned for himself, as if he'd argued this point many times, not with others but with himself.

Alex felt herself calm a little, knowing she had to help Bobby too, "No one's blaming you." She felt her breath catch as he trained his revolver on her instead. She closed her eyes trying to steady herself and she berated herself for opening her mouth.

"That court reporter? He shot her in the face and I couldn't stop him." Despite her own fears, she could hear the guilt in his voice and she could even understand it.

Bobby wasn't quite sure what response he needed to use and it didn't matter because the sound of Ray's daughter, Emily, calling for 'daddy' broke through the wall, as if she was reminding her father of her presence.

Ray didn't want Emily in the room, she was too young to see this, he wanted to protect her not hurt her, "It's alright, baby." He tried to sound normal as if everything was perfect and nothing was going down in his study.

Emily was smart enough to detect something was wrong, "What are you doing?" Bobby listened carefully to her and suddenly came up with a way to protect both Emily and Alex; a way to get her out of the room and to safety. "Mom wants to know."

"Uh, just give us a minute." Ray said to Emily through the wall.

Bobby didn't look at Ray when he spoke, "You gotta let my partner go and look after your daughter."

Emily's voice still carried through the wall, a worried sound of 'daddy' still escaping her mouth.

Alex didn't know what Bobby was doing completely, but not only did she see this a chance for her to get out of the room but it was chance to call for backup. Whether that was his idea or not, she wasn't entirely sure, everything that was still going on in her mind was distorting their communication as partners. "Let me talk to her."

Ray considered it as Emily called out for him again. "You gotta put the gun on me." Bobby insisted, "And let my partner go look after your daughter."

Ray thought about his options carefully, he thought about how Emily could eventually lose patience with him and find a way into the room. He thought about how he wanted this whole thing to be played out and as he got the sequence into his head he realised one very important thing; Bobby's partner wasn't in the picture at all. "Put your piece on the desk." Alex nodded, feeling a sense of relief that she knew she shouldn't be feeling yet, "And your partners." Alex took her gun and Bobby's and slowly walked to Ray's desk, setting them down gently before turning out of the room, still hearing Emily's voice, insisting she was coming into the room and she could hear Ray telling her to wait. "Now turn around." She did as she was instructed and went to the door, quckly escaping, closing it behind her.

She was unaware of the fact that Bobby was walking into the space she'd inhabited; reinforcing the fact he'd protected her, reassuring himself.

They began a strange circular movement, a quarter moon around the small study. Ray still aiming his weapon, this time squarely on Bobby's chest. His aim wouldn't miss, he knew that.

Bobby felt himself worry about this but he had to continue, "She's a good girl, Emily, she's-"

"-Oh, I don't need you to tell me that."

"I know, I know." Bobby nodded, "She's precious." He hesitated slightly, "You know, she's - she looks like her mother." The face of his own dying mother stealthy trickled it's way into his mind. Of course it would, the two both having cancer, both ill. Bobby's worry for his own mother had to take back seat to this right now, he knew that. He had to try to push her image out of his mind.

Ray felt a strong urge to explain this to him, "Joyce." Emily's mother, "Ashley was killing her. She abandons her sister, doesn't even take care of her own mother." This sickened Ray right to his soul. He loved Joyce. How could her own daughter do that to her? How could Ashley not see what she was doing?

"You found Emily, she got home safe." Bobby tried, unaware that Ray's thoughts were on his wife.

"Joyce was crying, she couldn't stop shaking." Ray continued, overstepping Bobby's words and carrying on with his own.

"But you knew they were hurting and you had to protect them." Bobby had to continue himself, he had to help Ray and himself. He had to do what he did best and get Ray to talk to him about it, talk him down from this. It was the only weapon Bobby ever really had.

"Joyce didn't even get angry, she was worried about Ashley after everything. Tell me, how is that possible?"

Bobby looked at Ray and carefully shook his head, "I don't know. It's mothers, you know." Bobby made the mistake of thinking that because Ray was asking him a question now, that he had lowered his guard slightly so Bobby was stepping forward.

Ray shoved his weapon forward, punctuating his words, "Back off."

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Alex sat outside the room, having already called for back up, thankful that Ray hadn't taken her cell phone off her. She was holding Emily tight, not allowing her near the room and she had a finger to her own lips to say that she shouldn't talk.

Emily was trembling, she'd heard most of what Alex had said, even though she'd tried to keep herself from hearing she was worried about her father.

The whole time Alex's ear was burning as she tried to listen in to what was being said, for any clue, any tip that Bobby needed her back in there. Despite her own fear for her own safety, she had to help Bobby, she couldn't allow herself to be so weak that her own partner would get killed. God, how she regretted not taking out her anger on that red punching bag, maybe Mike was right, maybe all this was in her own head and if she'd allowed herself to let some of it go, maybe she'd have been stronger inside that study and done something when it counted, when she could've made a difference.

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Having managed to get some kind of confession out of Ray, it seemed that both men were at the end of their tether. "Joyce is never going to forgive me." Ray quickly buried the nozzle of his weapon back up into his own throat.

"Hey, hey, she needs you." Bobby raised his voice, almost feeling himself panic. He didn't want anybody to lose their life, he didn't want anymore death. There had been enough.

The weapon was back towards being aimed at Bobby, "How do you know?" Ray asked, angrily, "What? Because of your mother? Some cop BS."

Bobby shook his head, no, no, no, no, no... his mother was sick, she was ill. Her image back into the forefront of his mind. Her voice ringing in his ears about how the doctors weren't good enough and about how she was scared of dying at the hands of the devil, "No, my mother is ill and I'm all she's got." Bobby looked at him and the weapon, "And that's all Joyce has got, is you."

"Not anymore." Ray argued.

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Cars came up the street, no sirens, no sound as they'd been ordered to by Alex.

Alex was still in the hallway, holding onto Emily to stop her from going into the room. She could see Joyce standing by the opposite wall with a worried look on her face, her pale face that looked like she couldn't take anything at all right now. The stress alone was eating away at her from the inside out. Alex felt for her but there was nothing she could do.

When she heard Emily's name being called by Bobby she was in two minds as to whether she should run into the room and tackle Ray herself but she didn't move. "Emily." Emily tried to move herself but Alex wouldn't let her, she tightened her hold on the young girl. "Your father needs you to see something."

Emily turned to Alex, her eyes pleading with her to let her go and see her father but Alex shook her head once. No way. There was absolutely no way Alex was letting a child into that room. What was Bobby thinking? "Eames?" His voice sounded desperate but the cloud that been in Alex's mind recently was beginning to evaporate a little. That light shining through the gray.

She knew what he was doing. "She's on her way."

This was a cue for Emily that she could talk now, she could say something, since Alex had, "Daddy!"

"No, I said no." They could hear Ray shout at them, "Back off out there!" Alex hoped that Bobby's idea would work because if it didn't it would only really mean one thing.

--------------------------------

It had worked.

And where she felt slightly rejuvenated he felt more numb. "I'll file the paperwork. Take a drive up-state. Vist your mom." Alex told Bobby as they walked away from the house. This was both her way of appologising for the way she'd treated him recently and her way of giving him the chance to be numb and think things over and see his mother; be there for her.

Bobby was still unsure about his own partners well-fare and he didn't want her to do all the work; that wasn't fair, she'd only just come back. Bobby looked at her, showing both his uncertainty and his gratitude in the same look.

"Gun. He's got a gun." The sound of a panicked voice, yet strong, forced them both to turn around and reach for their own pieces but it was too late.

It hadn't worked.

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He felt beyond numb, he felt like he didn't exist. He'd failed and as a result Emily had seen her fathers' dead body on the ground. The sight of that little girl crying on the lawn as she fought her mothers' grasp nearly killed Bobby inside.

Like the cancer inside of Joyce. Like the cancer inside of his mother; Frances Goren.

Now, he sat, rubbing the tips of his middle fingers on one hand along the length of his fingers on the other, elbows on his knees, sat on the floor. Leaning his head on the wall and trying not to smash it through the wall. The whole scene replayed in his mind, everything repeated on a continuous cycle. He tried to find where he'd gone wrong, tried to see where it was that had been the crucial moment he'd missed.

Clearly he'd never really got through to Ray about how much Emily and Joyce needed him; Ray had still thought his idea was best. Dying before he was charged so that Emily could feel the benefit of his full pension.

Bobby stopped the motion of his fingers and began rubbing his forehead. His fingers extended as he began trying to message the pain away; failing. Rubbing his whole face he just stared into the room he was sat in, looking at everything and nothing. Since he'd been in his apartment in the dark his eyes had grown accustomed to it and it meant that he could see every piece of furniture, although not clearly but he could make them out.

His whole apartment having that black and white feel to it; surreal, like the way he almost felt inside. Shades of gray.

He wished he could take it all back, he wished he could relive that moment in Ray's study just so that he could change what had been said to the point where he'd been successful and convinced Ray that life was his option, but Bobby wasn't a genius for nothing; he knew you couldn't rewind time or change the past but that didn't stop the way he felt about it.

--------------------------------

It was still something she couldn't bring herself to do. Despite the fact her anger had increased she still couldn't bring herself to stand up and punish the punching bag. It wasn't her, it might work for Mike but she knew it wasn't her. Sure, she threw things when she was angry and of course she'd been known to lash out at people in times of complete rage but beat up a bag? No.

The anger she had was probably nothing compared to how Bobby probably felt, she knew that, but it was the only anger she was aware of right now. Bobby had been quiet, still and withdrawn by the time they'd reached the city so she'd dropped him off so he could take that drive to see his mother. She didn't know whether he had done that or not but it didn't really matter - either way he was probably too deep inside his own head and thoughts for it to really help.

She was also angry at herself. She should've done more to help when she was inside that study, she should have seen that coming. She kept telling everyone how she could do her job and that she was perfectly capable; she'd asked Bobby to trust her and he said he did. But now, she knew different, she wasn't the same.

Allowing that anger to control her for a second she picked up the nearest object and launched it towards the wall. The object, a fragile bowl ornament - something she didn't particularly care about - smashed instantly on contact with the wall.

The sound of it breaking was quickly followed by the front door opening and a "Geez, that's what the bag is for!" Alex turned to see Mike standing, looking a little perplexed and stunned as he looked at the fragments now on the floor and when he turned to Alex he frowned at her.

She sighed, "You've probably heard what happened." Alex told him, her voice tight, "And I don't want to hear it." She turned sharply on her heal and made haste towards her bedroom.

Mike nodded, to himself since she could no longer see him, "Good, uh, I wasn't gonna say anything." The end of his sentence came out more of a mumble since she'd already left so there was no point attempting to speak to her. He took one last look at the broken porcelain on the floor and shaking his head, he followed her path to the bedroom, opening the door without hesitation.

He looked at her, seeing her sitting at the head of her bed with a sharp, thunderous look on her face, he sighed, "I did hear about it." He started but she shot him a piercing look. _If looks could kill... _"What did that **bowl** ever do to you?"

Alex was confused by his bizarre question, "You care about the bowl?"

He shrugged, "No."

"Then why did you...?" Alex didn't complete her sentence, she just nodded and then looked away. He'd done it to force her to speak to him, funny how he did that. Damn, it was hard dating a fellow detective. "It's not gonna work." She told him, defiantly.

Mike looked at her for a moment, his hands on his hips and a thoughtful look on his face, "Have it your way. You don't want to talk to me? Fine." Mike turned around and headed back towards the door.

Alex looked at his retreating back and sighed, "Mike?"

He turned back around but didn't move back into the room, "Yeah?"

She sighed, looking at him, "Please... just stay."

Mike watched her for a moment, as if he was considering her request, making her wonder for a moment if was actually going to stay with her or not. After a moment that almost felt like an eternity to Alex, Mike finally sat down on the foot of her bed, directly opposite her and smiled, slightly. "What happened?"

Alex mouth twitched, as she pulled her lips to one side of her face, struggling with her emotions and trying desperately to keep them under control, "I froze." She looked up at him and felt her control start to slip away. "He... had his gun aimed toward me and I just-" Alex made a shrugging motion with her face and shoulders, "-froze."

Mike shook his head, "That's not what I heard." She frowned a little at that, "Goren told me that the both of you negotiated with him to let you go ... so that you could call for backup."

Still frowning, "When did Bobby tell you that?"

Confused by her question, Mike answered it anway, "He came to the office to make a report to Ross about it."

"He did?" Alex asked, also confused, "He did?" Mike nodded. Alex realised that Bobby must have gone back to 1PP on his own after she'd left the office herself. She wasn't quite sure why, she really hoped he'd just go and visit his mother.

"So, you can see why I'm wondering why you thought you froze?" Mike asked, bringing her back to the original topic. Not really caring to talk about Bobby right now, not because he didn't like the guy but because he was more concerned with her.

She sighed, "You were right."

"I was?" Mike looked at her suspisciously, "I was?"

Alex nodded, "When you said that the only one thinking I can't do my job is me." Mike thought about it and then finally remembered saying that to her a few days ago. Of course, he hadn't said it out of some brilliant insight into what she was going through, he just thought that that was the truth and that she needed to know as much.

He nodded, he still thought that too, "Look, I'm no expert but don't you think it's possible that this'll go away, heh?"

She looked down at her knees.

"Hey? Don't you think so?"

Alex shrugged.

"I guess you need some convincing." Mike commented, quietly. He looked at her and watched her as she seemed to be thinking about something. She eventually looked up from her knees and looked into his eyes. Smiling slightly, she pulled herself forward and wrapped her arms around his neck, holding herself close to him. He smiled into her neck and wrapped his own arms around her body.

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Bobby walked slowly along the halls of Carmel Ridge, taking his time as he walked to a particular destination - his mothers' room. He'd make this walk often, so often in fact he could do it with his eyes closed.

But still, everytime he walked it he felt a similar sense of anxiety and worry. Anxiety that would show in his body language and the speed at which he walked. It didn't matter how many times he went, he knew that he'd never be able to predict what would happen when he visited her and this was the cause of his overall anxiety. He loved his mother and he could suppose that he was used to seeing her in unusual and frightening circumstances but that didn't change how afraid he'd become when she 'changed' in front of him or how much he hated to see it.

But he loved her.

He'd never leave her. Even if this cancer was so threatening that it would mean her leaving him, he'd never abandon her, he'd never walk away.

He was just walking slowly towards her room, carefully opening the door and peering around it to look at her, smiling a little, looking at her door with slight fear and concern until she sees whose behind it. She motioned for him to come into the room.

Bobby felt relieve, she was 'normal'. Well, what he'd call normal on Frances Goren was when she wasn't acting or behaving like she was afraid of her own son.

"Hi, mom." Bobby greeted, politely, walking into the room and pulling out a chair to sit on beside her bed.

"Bobby." She breathed, happily, "What do I owe this visit?"

Bobby shrugged, "I just came to see you."

Frances smiled, "Good." He leaned in to kiss her cheek softly, pleasantly surprised by the warmth of her pale skin. "I'm glad you're here."

"Y-you are?" Bobby asked, was this perhaps too 'normal'? She'd never said that one to him before.

She nodded, pointing towards the foot of her bed, "You know they haven't changed my bedsheets for two days." She seemed annoyed and frustrated with that and Bobby felt himself sigh on the inside. Yeah, this was as normal as it was going to get.

But it was his.

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_So, sorry for those that feel there was too much Bobby in this story. _

_Let me know what you think. I don't usually write for Bobby so now would be a good time to tell me if it was any good. _


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